I’ll admit, I do read the weekly celebrity rags each Friday evening. I know it doesn’t really do me any good except help me answer the $2,000 question on “Who wants to be a millionaire” but we all have our guilty pleasures. As a result of years of research, I have compiled a list of my most loved and most loathed celebrities.
1. Jessica Simpson. The dumb blond: she is the epitome of what us independent girls don’t want to portray to men: co-dependent, emotional eater, third-grade reading level, and envious of her little sister. It also doesn’t help that her father likes talking about her tits. All in all, she is somewhat pathetic, celebrity or not.
2. Drew Barrymore. I know she’s friends with one of my most loved celebrities, but seriously – she looks like she crawled out of a gutter, and honestly, I hated E.T. and I don’t think I ever got over it. I also saw “Music & Lyrics.”
3. Tom Cruise. Not only does he seem crazy and is he a bit nuts, but he’s also way too short for so many women to find him attractive. I’m surprised he’s been cast in anything other than “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”
4. Tori Spelling. Something about her face really freaks me out. Also, how many books and reality shows can you really produce? Does anyone other than Candy watch or read those anyway? And if you hate your mother so much, quit telling the tabloids, just get drunk and lash out like all of us non-celebs do.
5. Jack Black. Everything he touches turns to shit. Also, I hold him responsible for the fat-man-getting-naked shtick that can end at anytime now. I am also not completely convinced that that is his birth name. He is rich enough to buy some shampoo at this point.
1. Adam Brody. I love the understatedly sexy nerd. You other girls can fight over the popular jocks and the six packs. Give me a crooked smile, some curly hair and witty banter and I am set.
2. Cameron Diaz. She’s got great legs and she also sort of acts. That’s really something for a model. I would call it talent after years of bulimia and ecstasy that she has anything left to offer.
3. Vince Vaughn. He is a freakishly tall ogre of a man, but somehow still keeps his sense of humor.
4. Heidi Klum. Hot, successful, smart, bilingual and compassionate (married to a burn victim). What else could you ask for in a woman? It also doesn’t hurt that she’s a Victoria’s Secret model.
5. Regis Philbin. I love it when he makes fun of contestants on his game shows (yes, plural: did anyone else watch the two episodes of “Password?”) All in all, he is one of the few older people that is unable to be ousted from television by a younger replacement.