buttons

It was something small that put me into Brandon's mindset.This little ornament that Brandon made for me at school, gave to me in a paper bag he had decorated like a snowman.It said, "to: mom; from: Brandon" on it. At Steve's house, I saw another ornament, almost identical, and I realized, one day at school,... Continue Reading →

unhomey

"I don't like your house," Holden hollered from the backseat in my garage. "Why don't you like my house?" I asked, calmly, I hoped. "Because it's too small," he said. "We only stay on the upstairs." I carried him up the stairs to the only place we stay. I cuddled him like a baby, so maybe he'd... Continue Reading →

blue foam cake

My youngest sondoesn't interact withother children.Instead, hemakes me fake food,pen sketches,block buildings--shows them to me,waits for praise.Sometimes I think,in the way parents of 2017 do,I should schedule play datesfor him, introducehim to friends his own age. But I don't.I love the attentionhe lavishes on meand quite frankly,I don't actually believehe needs any fixing.He just brought me... Continue Reading →

great healer

My sister is here, in town with her baby.What is it about babies that brings out our smiles? Also, it is a weird phenomenon, being around family. I sing aloud again, do puzzles, dance in the living room. Everything is as it should be.Like the good ol' days.She took pictures of me and the boys,... Continue Reading →

frat bros

I have an addictive personality. In both the chemical and compulsive behavior categories, I like to get fucked up. Fuuuuucked up. I wrote an essay about it this semester: about why I drink or smoke weed. I like to feel OK as I am and it seems I can only achieve that when I'm drunk... Continue Reading →

and now a sandwich

It was earlier this week, while I was washing the dishes and Holden was playing with toys in the living room while a Pandora station played that I sighed and thought, "this feels like home." You know: a place to just be. A place that is comfortable. A place where you don't have to pretend.... Continue Reading →

Friendsgiving

Thanksgiving is a weird holiday. When I was a kid it meant Grandpa's house, for my favorite weekend of the year. In the first two years of college, it meant tacking myself onto someone else's family holiday. Once in Wyoming where I shot a gun at cans in the foothills, once in Saint Louis when... Continue Reading →

upended

There are times when I sit in the garage with the car idling, willing myself to turn off the ignition, drag myself up the stairs, and go about my day.And then, there are homemade pancakes.There are times when Brandon is crying to his father, asking when everything is going to go back to normal, when... Continue Reading →

Fucking Finally

Whenever I've thought of what I want to do, the only things I ever came up with were writing and teaching. I have been writing. But we all know that doesn't pay the bills. So I'm dipping my toe into the water of teaching. Just a tiny baby toe. I'm working one afternoon a week,... Continue Reading →

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