yearning

Here's what it's like, splitting custody of my children after spending years putting them to bed each night, dressing them each morning, hearing their laughter and squabbles at all hours, watching their little heads bob as they move. Sometimes I stand at my stove, stirring noodles into boiling water for myself and it is so... Continue Reading →

a place of my own

For the last couple months, I have been looking for a place to live. This past year I lived in an apartment of divorce: it was in the air, lingering in the fibers of my couch, my carpet. The rent was was divorce-settlement high and always, I knew it was not a sustainable option. It... Continue Reading →

names like colors

"Mom, there are other people with my name," Brandon told me yesterday. "In books or on shows, I see other Brandons." So I told him names, like colors, get used again and and again. I told him a name is a word we assign to someone as if it is his own, although it isn't... Continue Reading →

the cold side of independence

It's been a year, almost, on my own like this. I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be. I remembered fondly living alone, after college, before marriage. And naively, maybe that's how I thought it would be again. That was when I held two jobs to cover rent and expenses. That was when I... Continue Reading →

wanting to leave is enough

When people ask me for book recommendations, I never know what to say. Because although I read voraciously and have favorites, what we read is a matter of personal taste. It's the same reason that, as a waitress, I hesitate to recommend anything. I hate ribeyes, but my customers might like them. However, I'm reading... Continue Reading →

hauling shelves

Last night I went and picked up some bookshelves from a guy on Nextdoor. "Your profile says you used to live around here," he said. "I did," I said, "when I was married." Divorce is awkward and people don't know what to say about it so usually they just say, "I'm sorry" which is a... Continue Reading →

snapshots

This morning was rough.Sometimes, I get overwhelmed.I'm taking a class on campus which might seem stupid, but it's not, because yesterday, when I was stuck on a story, the required reading for my campus class got me unstuck, so it is worth it, but it adds to my stress, to my endless list of things... Continue Reading →

Recognizing myself

It was midwest cold, January,the day I was legally divorced.I took a hot bath wheresunlight danced on the tilesfrom the light of the window. When I moved, the dancingchanged: faster, higher, calmer, smaller.It was still January, cold, when I got my name back.The name I was always called by,the name I knew myself asforever, all... Continue Reading →

buttons

It was something small that put me into Brandon's mindset.This little ornament that Brandon made for me at school, gave to me in a paper bag he had decorated like a snowman.It said, "to: mom; from: Brandon" on it. At Steve's house, I saw another ornament, almost identical, and I realized, one day at school,... Continue Reading →

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