a place of my own

For the last couple months, I have been looking for a place to live. This past year I lived in an apartment of divorce: it was in the air, lingering in the fibers of my couch, my carpet. The rent was was divorce-settlement high and always, I knew it was not a sustainable option. It... Continue Reading →

names like colors

"Mom, there are other people with my name," Brandon told me yesterday. "In books or on shows, I see other Brandons." So I told him names, like colors, get used again and and again. I told him a name is a word we assign to someone as if it is his own, although it isn't... Continue Reading →

the cold side of independence

It's been a year, almost, on my own like this. I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be. I remembered fondly living alone, after college, before marriage. And naively, maybe that's how I thought it would be again. That was when I held two jobs to cover rent and expenses. That was when I... Continue Reading →

wanting to leave is enough

When people ask me for book recommendations, I never know what to say. Because although I read voraciously and have favorites, what we read is a matter of personal taste. It's the same reason that, as a waitress, I hesitate to recommend anything. I hate ribeyes, but my customers might like them. However, I'm reading... Continue Reading →

hauling shelves

Last night I went and picked up some bookshelves from a guy on Nextdoor. "Your profile says you used to live around here," he said. "I did," I said, "when I was married." Divorce is awkward and people don't know what to say about it so usually they just say, "I'm sorry" which is a... Continue Reading →

snapshots

This morning was rough.Sometimes, I get overwhelmed.I'm taking a class on campus which might seem stupid, but it's not, because yesterday, when I was stuck on a story, the required reading for my campus class got me unstuck, so it is worth it, but it adds to my stress, to my endless list of things... Continue Reading →

Recognizing myself

It was midwest cold, January,the day I was legally divorced.I took a hot bath wheresunlight danced on the tilesfrom the light of the window. When I moved, the dancingchanged: faster, higher, calmer, smaller.It was still January, cold, when I got my name back.The name I was always called by,the name I knew myself asforever, all... Continue Reading →

buttons

It was something small that put me into Brandon's mindset.This little ornament that Brandon made for me at school, gave to me in a paper bag he had decorated like a snowman.It said, "to: mom; from: Brandon" on it. At Steve's house, I saw another ornament, almost identical, and I realized, one day at school,... Continue Reading →

unhomey

"I don't like your house," Holden hollered from the backseat in my garage. "Why don't you like my house?" I asked, calmly, I hoped. "Because it's too small," he said. "We only stay on the upstairs." I carried him up the stairs to the only place we stay. I cuddled him like a baby, so maybe he'd... Continue Reading →

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