I remember finding joy in writing, but lately it’s felt like a chore. I haven’t been writing what I wanted to, save for in Instagram captions and Twitter posts. That writing feels urgent, more like a conversation than like something labored over and meticulously edited before pushing it out toward publication. I’m saying I could have written six books in the time that I was instead writing Twitter posts and Instagram captions which yielded me exactly zero books.
So I’m taking a break from my social media accounts to write in the same way, but for a different end result. I am writing very much the same: on my phone, the second the thought strikes me. I didn’t think I’d be a phone writer, but my thumbs are pretty quick actually and I can do it anywhere: at the grocery store, while watching The Mighty Ducks with my kids, on a night walk.
I also want to bring back some of the confessional blog posts of my pasts, because although that also didn’t go anywhere book wise, it is my online journal of who I am in a moment. It’s a capturing of my current self in words and images. And there is no scrolling here. I just sit down and write something and I don’t scroll for hours or mindlessly open the app again and again. So here’s who I am this week, in song, in pictures, and in thoughts:
Music: I’m in my Zach Bryan era. I’ve always gravitated toward country music, for the story of it, for the twang and the loneliness, for the unpretentiousness and the grit. Bryan has all that but also his voice is smooth and clean like a folk artist. Not to say it’s without waver, because it isn’t. I love a voice with feeling and his has both a deep well of thoughtfulness and also a playfulness.
I’ve also enjoyed these songs:
- Wondering Why by The Red Clay Strays
- Foolin’ Ourselves by Evan Honer
- Wasted on You by Morgan Wallen (I know, I try not to like him but it’s hard)
- Black Powder Soul by Taylor McCall
- The Night by Morgan Wade
- making the bed by Olivia Rodrigo
- Keep Driving by Harry Styles
Pictures:
I’ve returned to night walks, which are my favorite kind of walks. Partly because I’m crepuscular in nature, partly because it’s so fucking hot here in the summer that evening is the only time it feels good to be outside, and partly because it feels just the tiniest bit dangerous. I love this picture because it is the perfect representation of where I live: part country, part city.
The library has been truly packed, and we are all just trying to get through the day. Funny thing about the library is the people who work there are thinkers and learners who want some time to process but where I work, we rarely get that opportunity. There’s always someone else to tell we don’t have any Dog Man books or show where the chameleon is in the scavenger hunt. We’ve had over 600 people in our branch every day (save one) in June and until school is back in session, there doesn’t look to be much change. I made a countdown so we can all remember this too, one day, will end.
So for my lunches I go outside, far from where any patrons will find me. I’m making my own lunches again, after so many days of showing up without a plan for nourishing myself.
My garden has been a great joy to me. It isn’t much of a garden yet, because my yard is overtaken by ground elder, which according to Gardener Ben on YouTube, is a tough, pernicious perennial weed. I am pulling out as much as I can so it can come back in, and I can hit it with a weed killer when I need to, when the leaves are young. The root system on this shit is incredible: it’s a deep web and I am plunging my hands and shovel deep into the earth in chase of all of it.
Last night was a friend’s birthday party and I sat out on the porch and listened to people and found them fascinating. When they asked me to tell a story, I took the opportunity to make one up, even though they wanted something personal. And I had that porch in the palm of my hand. I had jokes and asides and winks and parts I made up just for someone in particular. It was delicious, to make something up out of thin air, something you had to be there for. Afterward, I snapped some selfies in the mirror to remember my joy. I’m trying very hard to chronicle my joy.
Thoughts: I’m trying to give more attention to my thoughts lately. I think part of why I’m so overwhelmed lately is because I haven’t been able to sit with my own brain. There’s always something else that needs to be done. It starts in my job and spreads from there. I am constantly on the way to or from something. But I’m trying to give myself permission to think sometimes and not call that lazy or unproductive. In doing so, I’ve been able to write.
I thought this week about how much I love my children and how lucky it is to have kids that I admire so greatly, that are such companions to me. I don’t just mean Brandon and Holden, I mean Grace too.
I thought about how hard it is to feel this hard and then I tried desperately to distract myself from my emotions.
I thought about having Christmas in my own house, the boys to wake up here on Christmas morning. I don’t know that it’s ever happened before since I’ve been divorced and I am looking forward to having people over, for my kids to feel the giddiness of the day together here, on their home turf.
I thought about how kindness is the currency I use to evaluate my self-worth. I bought presents and wrote notes. I tried desperately to feel valuable again.
Then I wrote.
holly pelesky 
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