It was midwest cold, January,the day I was legally divorced.I took a hot bath wheresunlight danced on the tilesfrom the light of the window. When I moved, the dancingchanged: faster, higher, calmer, smaller.It was still January, cold, when I got my name back.The name I was always called by,the name I knew myself asforever, all... Continue Reading →
People want to know what my plans are. "These are my plans," I reply. Because I am a writer and I plan to remain one."But what will you do for work?"And then I realize that although this life I have carved out works now--now while I'm finishing school, now while Holden is only three, now... Continue Reading →
Don't you think maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention? -line from "Ladybird" I have been thinking a lot about the right way to love someone. How we love someone the way we know how, the way we've been loved. Sometimes, that's not the way the other person needs. Sometimes the other person won't... Continue Reading →
You are extremely sensitive to your environment. Recently, I felt the grief of a friend, and I felt it deeply. I excused myself from the people around me, went back to my room and cried for a loss I never had. I thought, is this crazy, am I crazy, for feeling this intensely? And the... Continue Reading →
I am trying to learn how to give and foster forgiveness in a bodythat wants none of it.-Sierra DeMulderYesterday I bought a new phone screen protector,because the one I have has a few cracks.The new one, although its sticker was still onwas covered in cracks, more cracksthan the one I had before:cracks running down it like... Continue Reading →
We ate donuts. Holden knows my order, and I love to hear him say "maple." Holden wore me out, wore himself out. I started running again. We went on adventures: to parks, museums, landmarks. Holden and I became pretty much co-dependent upon each other. The boys fell in love with Lincoln. We went there a... Continue Reading →
2017 was my only full calendar year of grad school. So yeah, I read a shit ton of books. Fifty, to be exact. And if there's one thing I am, with my lists and spreadsheets, it's exact. (only last semester's reads are pictured) Here are my top reads from last year: 1. Moon Palaceby Paul AusterNovelThis... Continue Reading →
It was something small that put me into Brandon's mindset.This little ornament that Brandon made for me at school, gave to me in a paper bag he had decorated like a snowman.It said, "to: mom; from: Brandon" on it. At Steve's house, I saw another ornament, almost identical, and I realized, one day at school,... Continue Reading →
"I don't like your house," Holden hollered from the backseat in my garage. "Why don't you like my house?" I asked, calmly, I hoped. "Because it's too small," he said. "We only stay on the upstairs." I carried him up the stairs to the only place we stay. I cuddled him like a baby, so maybe he'd... Continue Reading →
My youngest sondoesn't interact withother children.Instead, hemakes me fake food,pen sketches,block buildings--shows them to me,waits for praise.Sometimes I think,in the way parents of 2017 do,I should schedule play datesfor him, introducehim to friends his own age. But I don't.I love the attentionhe lavishes on meand quite frankly,I don't actually believehe needs any fixing.He just brought me... Continue Reading →
holly pelesky 