Don't you think maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention? -line from "Ladybird" I have been thinking a lot about the right way to love someone. How we love someone the way we know how, the way we've been loved. Sometimes, that's not the way the other person needs. Sometimes the other person won't... Continue Reading →
blog
presence
You are extremely sensitive to your environment. Recently, I felt the grief of a friend, and I felt it deeply. I excused myself from the people around me, went back to my room and cried for a loss I never had. I thought, is this crazy, am I crazy, for feeling this intensely? And the... Continue Reading →
cracked screen protector
I am trying to learn how to give and foster forgiveness in a bodythat wants none of it.-Sierra DeMulderYesterday I bought a new phone screen protector,because the one I have has a few cracks.The new one, although its sticker was still onwas covered in cracks, more cracksthan the one I had before:cracks running down it like... Continue Reading →
2017 in review
We ate donuts. Holden knows my order, and I love to hear him say "maple." Holden wore me out, wore himself out. I started running again. We went on adventures: to parks, museums, landmarks. Holden and I became pretty much co-dependent upon each other. The boys fell in love with Lincoln. We went there a... Continue Reading →
favorite books of 2017
2017 was my only full calendar year of grad school. So yeah, I read a shit ton of books. Fifty, to be exact. And if there's one thing I am, with my lists and spreadsheets, it's exact. (only last semester's reads are pictured) Here are my top reads from last year: 1. Moon Palaceby Paul AusterNovelThis... Continue Reading →
buttons
It was something small that put me into Brandon's mindset.This little ornament that Brandon made for me at school, gave to me in a paper bag he had decorated like a snowman.It said, "to: mom; from: Brandon" on it. At Steve's house, I saw another ornament, almost identical, and I realized, one day at school,... Continue Reading →
unhomey
"I don't like your house," Holden hollered from the backseat in my garage. "Why don't you like my house?" I asked, calmly, I hoped. "Because it's too small," he said. "We only stay on the upstairs." I carried him up the stairs to the only place we stay. I cuddled him like a baby, so maybe he'd... Continue Reading →
blue foam cake
My youngest sondoesn't interact withother children.Instead, hemakes me fake food,pen sketches,block buildings--shows them to me,waits for praise.Sometimes I think,in the way parents of 2017 do,I should schedule play datesfor him, introducehim to friends his own age. But I don't.I love the attentionhe lavishes on meand quite frankly,I don't actually believehe needs any fixing.He just brought me... Continue Reading →
great healer
My sister is here, in town with her baby.What is it about babies that brings out our smiles? Also, it is a weird phenomenon, being around family. I sing aloud again, do puzzles, dance in the living room. Everything is as it should be.Like the good ol' days.She took pictures of me and the boys,... Continue Reading →
frat bros
I have an addictive personality. In both the chemical and compulsive behavior categories, I like to get fucked up. Fuuuuucked up. I wrote an essay about it this semester: about why I drink or smoke weed. I like to feel OK as I am and it seems I can only achieve that when I'm drunk... Continue Reading →
holly pelesky 