change like hail

Yesterday I went in to sign my new lease. There was the woman who approved me for the apartment and we laughed (cackled, really) as she talked me through the thousand pages. The other employee came in and tactfully told her to get back to work. Still, the woman told me about her mom who... Continue Reading →

names like colors

"Mom, there are other people with my name," Brandon told me yesterday. "In books or on shows, I see other Brandons." So I told him names, like colors, get used again and and again. I told him a name is a word we assign to someone as if it is his own, although it isn't... Continue Reading →

the cold side of independence

It's been a year, almost, on my own like this. I wasn't prepared for how hard it would be. I remembered fondly living alone, after college, before marriage. And naively, maybe that's how I thought it would be again. That was when I held two jobs to cover rent and expenses. That was when I... Continue Reading →

cheerios ground into the carpet

I'm going to write my own "Summertime Sadness" song and it's about a parent who longs for the school year back, for a few hours to herself again. It isn't natural to parent alone. It is a two-person job, maybe three, maybe eight. I don't parent alone, actually, because Steve parents them half of the... Continue Reading →

It’s been an hour

It's been an hour since thunder boomed and the boys skittered into my bedroom, into my bed, under the covers. Since then it rained and rained and rained and then the clouds pushed off each other and the sun resumed its role. But before that happened, Holden intertwined his fingers and said a prayer, even... Continue Reading →

Bucket Filling

"Mom, you're filling my bucket," Brandon said, after I told him how smart he is, how proud I am to be his mother. "What does that mean?" I asked, knowing the answer but wanting to hear him say it. "Everybody has an invisible bucket," he began, "and when you compliment someone or do nice things... Continue Reading →

Leaking into Everyone Else

To become a mother is to die to oneself in some essential way. After I had children I was no longer an individual separate from other individuals. I leaked into everyone else. When I try to talk about mothering, about how it is a part of me but not all of me, I can't do... Continue Reading →

snapshots

This morning was rough.Sometimes, I get overwhelmed.I'm taking a class on campus which might seem stupid, but it's not, because yesterday, when I was stuck on a story, the required reading for my campus class got me unstuck, so it is worth it, but it adds to my stress, to my endless list of things... Continue Reading →

like a child

When my arm is across Brandon's or Holden's chest, I feel their hearts racing, running. I think, slow down, calm down, breathe. You're running your little selves ragged, you're so high strung, you chatter too much. I think all of these things while I drink my coffee, trying to stimulate myself.I tell them not to interrupt... Continue Reading →

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