Something there is about diners open on Christmas. There have been two instances that I have eaten dinner at restaurants on December 25th.The first was 2004.I had just returned from spending Christmas with my family,my conservative Christian family.  I was pregnant, unbeknownst to them.My secret was scratching me, clawing me from the inside. I wanted to... Continue Reading →

People want to know what my plans are. "These are my plans," I reply. Because I am a writer and I plan to remain one."But what will you do for work?"And then I realize that although this life I have carved out works now--now while I'm finishing school, now while Holden is only three, now... Continue Reading →

Don't you think maybe they are the same thing? Love and attention?  -line from "Ladybird" I have been thinking a lot about the right way to love someone. How we love someone the way we know how, the way we've been loved. Sometimes, that's not the way the other person needs. Sometimes the other person won't... Continue Reading →

You are extremely sensitive to your environment. Recently, I felt the grief of a friend, and I felt it deeply. I excused myself from the people around me, went back to my room and cried for a loss I never had. I thought, is this crazy, am I crazy, for feeling this intensely? And the... Continue Reading →

I am trying to learn how to give and foster forgiveness in a bodythat wants none of it.-Sierra DeMulderYesterday I bought a new phone screen protector,because the one I have has a few cracks.The new one, although its sticker was still onwas covered in cracks, more cracksthan the one I had before:cracks running down it like... Continue Reading →

My sister is here, in town with her baby.What is it about babies that brings out our smiles? Also, it is a weird phenomenon, being around family. I sing aloud again, do puzzles, dance in the living room. Everything is as it should be.Like the good ol' days.She took pictures of me and the boys,... Continue Reading →

It was earlier this week, while I was washing the dishes and Holden was playing with toys in the living room while a Pandora station played that I sighed and thought, "this feels like home." You know: a place to just be. A place that is comfortable. A place where you don't have to pretend.... Continue Reading →

Thanksgiving is a weird holiday. When I was a kid it meant Grandpa's house, for my favorite weekend of the year. In the first two years of college, it meant tacking myself onto someone else's family holiday. Once in Wyoming where I shot a gun at cans in the foothills, once in Saint Louis when... Continue Reading →

I had plans today: clean the toy room, do the laundry, take the boys to the wildlife safari.But instead of following them, I allowed spontaneity.Today was one of the last nice days of the year, before the winter winds blow in, freeze us, coop us up. So we played outside, me and Holden still in... Continue Reading →