Dear Omahans

I’m copying this idea from Autumn, who also always has something to say.

Dear bitch who works at the Costco membership counter,
All I asked for was a coupon book, not your right arm. I don’t know why you had to tell me that a) they weren’t being mailed out until 2/4 so (b) you didn’t have any. (1) I saw you give a coupon book to the woman in front of me in line, and (2) guess what was in the mailbox when I got home? A f***ing coupon book from Costco. Liar. You probably cost me $8, but I don’t know for sure, because I’m still too pissed to open the coupon book.
Pissed but will still shop there because (a) the store is cheap and (b) we already have the membership card, ~Holly

Dear Hostess at Applebee’s,
Why are you so superficially chipper? You’re opening the door into the bitter winter and dodging old people and kids. Also, I haven’t eaten all day and it’s 5pm. Please don’t so much as smile at me, let alone say, “welcome to Applebee’s.” If you would have so much as said the word “neighborhood,” I would have decked you. There’s a reason we ate at TGI Friday’s instead.
Unfriendly neighbor, ~Holly

Dear three people in front of me in the line for the Redbox,
How do you live in 2010 and not know how to work a simple machine? I can’t believe all three of you walked away w/o movies when Hy-Vee even gave you a code for a free one. Thanks for wasting my time waiting in a line when I could have been writing a blog about how much I hate everyone & everything.
Technologically savvy enough to rent a movie, ~Holly

Dear applicant who wrote me a nasty letter,
You further prove that I’m good at my job by screening you out. So everything you said was ludicrous. Good luck on the job search. Maybe next time you should try being less of an a**hole.
Employed, ~Holly

Dear meth-head paper boy,
I’m not letting you into my sister’s apt. building. They make guarded entrances because of people like you.
Warm and sober, ~Holly

Dear people who think I’m a bitch,
You’re right.
Not ashamed, ~Holly

4 thoughts on “Dear Omahans

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  1. haha I love these!!! I had to complain against a Costco employee once. The whole freakin store told me there was no one that worked for them under the name “Joe” that looked like what I described when I complained. I went home googled and found that the “Joe” I was complaining about was the STORE MANAGER. Needless to say corporate got a strongly worded email with screen shots and everything.

    I got a free two year membership and “Joe” was never seen there again.

    Yay for bitching, it pays 🙂

    Now if only I too could sign off saying “Employed” haha 🙂

  2. I'm really with you on the Redbox Thing. I don't use it that often, but when I do (maybe its because I'm at such havens of intellectualism such as WalMart of various grocery stores) you'd think people were trying to fly a space shuttle. Everything is in freaking pictures on there, how hard is it? And they take forever deciding between the movies and somehow thinking they can find ones that aren't showing up by changing the “genre” instead of “alphabetical” or something. Unbelievable

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