Dear So and So

Dear Aksarben Heating & Air,

When you give people a time range of when you plan to arrive, you’re supposed to arrive in that range. That’s why you get a whole range rather than a specific time! You said you’d be here between 4p-6p. Then you called at 5:23p and said you were running a little late but would be here by 6p. You arrived at 7:02p. Just what I wanted to do on a Friday night, wait around for a chubby unpunctual man to charge us money. Eff off. And your business name is stupid. I wonder what I’d get if I spelled your name backwards. Moron? Well, yes: I would if your name was Norom.

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Dear claimants who think they deserve unemployment,

Get a job. If you put half the effort into applying for work that you put into appealing your unemployment case, you’d have six jobs by now. I’m sick of seeing nine claims come through for you from three different states. Hope you’re ready to see this tornado tear through your unemployment hearing. You get what you ask for. In the meantime, keep going on your job searches. And no, watching court TV does not count as a job search even though they play that Kaplan University commercial repeatedly.

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Dear Scale,

This isn’t mean for once: I don’t hate you (right now). I wanted to publicly apologize for when I said you didn’t know what you were talking about and couldn’t get your facts straight and have only one job and can’t even do that right. I like what you told me this morning. Keep those sweet nothings coming and I’ll stop making you groan when I step on you.

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Dear Bitchy Girl at Ace checkout register last weekend,

Remember when we ordered 24 large patio bricks last weekend and you were a total bitch and said someone would be out to help us load them and you didn’t send anyone out? Well guess what? We overbought. So I’m bringing them back in for a refund. One at a time. And I’m going to stack them on your register so you can take them out to the lumber yard yourself. Two can play your game. And I happen to be pretty good at it, so wear your sweatband tomorrow.