white elephant

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. ~Ecclesiastes 1:9

There is nothing new on this blog. Nearly two years ago, while unemployed, I made this blog. I had a lot of time between employers not calling me and walking the dog. I was fresh: the topics were endless, my mind was full of three-paragraph posts just waiting to be published. I had a pithy endings to wrap up my thoughts. I was occasionally funny and usually insulting. I reread my old posts and smiled with pride. I did it: I gave those thoughts that were rattling around in this tin brain of mine a home.

As a kid, the ultimate achievement for me as a writer would be for strangers to read what I wrote. Well I achieved it. My ten-year-old self would be proud. Sure, she didn’t know that everyone would have a Facebook account and people would read about people brushing their teeth and eating a bag of cookies with rapt interest, but nonetheless, strangers read this blog. Strangers from all around the world who googled “dds in a bra” or “preserved artifacts food” or “moldy cheese” ended up on my site for a few seconds and maybe even read a word or two.

A few strangers from the blog world became like friends. I read other blogs with the same enthusiasm that I wrote my own. I looked forward to the half hour each night where I would sit at the computer and catch up on the daily blogs. It became a hobby and then a part of me. That was then.

But lately, I haven’t read the other blogs. I struggle to think of anything to write on my own. I feel that everything I have to say I have said before: just this time I’m using a semicolon instead of a period. My enthusiasm is waning; I am restless. I know I never made it in the blog world. I never exceeded 15 subscribers. My sitemeter hits are still under 20,000. It seems too early to retire now without reaching any level of blogging prestige.

But prestige was never my intention. Accolades are appreciated, but not necessary. What I wanted was a place to log my thoughts knowing someone could read them. I wanted to practice writing and see if it had the effect on anyone else that it does on me. And whether or not it affected anyone positively or negatively, I may never know. But I do know how it has affected me.

I have rediscovered the one passion I’ve ever had: writing a book. I’m not good at much, but when my pen strikes the paper, I come alive. It is in my blood. Green ink pumps through my veins. I read on a blog, “don’t follow your dreams; chase them.” I immediately sat up straighter (and not just because of the semicolon) – it was quoted for me. My dream is to write a book. It takes a dedication I haven’t yet committed to. I don’t expect it to be published, just finished. I will write the book for myself. And if anyone else ever reads it, that will be a happy surprise.

Next to me is my purple spiral notebook. Twelve pages have been scrawled on with my green ink. But the rest of the pages lie empty, waiting to be written on. A story is in me, it just hasn’t been told yet.

5 thoughts on “white elephant

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  1. You go girl………….it's in you, now put it down on paper! And as for your blog, I don't see the thoughts becoming any less funny, insightful and inspirational, they are terrific!

    I will say though they seem to be much easier and kinder and reflective, where is the irritated Holly who makes fun of the people in line ahead of her? Sometimes I like to read the raw angry Holly who notices the nasty bumper stickers in front of her while stuck in traffic……..well I like all of these sides of you, they are all interesting to read, so I know any book that you penned would be also.

    Start on page 13 and keep on going!

  2. holly,

    you can, and do, write what i think and feel at the time i am thinking and feeling it. i feel exactly the same about my blogging right now. when i look back at my early posts, i am proud of what i did. and recently, i am not. and i wonder why i do it. but i remember i am doing it for me, and even if my thoughts and dreams are not as organized and well fed as they were at the beginning… i am doing it. i am writing. i may be writing crap. but i am writing.

    you, holly, i am proud to call my friend, and am always amazed at how the same we really are. we experience and feel and dream the same. and i am so lucky to share it with you!

    if anyone can accomplish their dreams holly, you can. you are very talented. i envy your talent for the written page. and i for one, can not wait to read that book.

    and for some reason, this has made me cry. at my desk at work, with eveyrone wathcing. but all i wanted to say was “thank you for being my friend and my family. and thank you for sharing my soul. do it holly. you can make your dreams come true. you ARE a writer. write holly. love you.”

  3. Hi Holly, nice to meet you. Found you when searching on White Elephant. I seem to be at the same spot that you describe. Started blogging first part of 2009 and the thoughts and words flowed as you said, but lately have been stale. Now trying to find a unique niche for my blog. Enjoyed reading this page of your blog and will stop back to peruse further. And, oh, you now have 16 followers. LOL

  4. Peabea: at first keeping up a blog doesn't seem like much work until you've done it for awhile; it takes a lot of effort. I'm glad you will be back. There aren't a lot, but I've found my readers to be loyal and complimentary. I'll make sure to swing by your blog.

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