looks good on paper

Resume bullet points are often usually always bullshit. People use words like “analyze” and “monitor” because it sounds impressive; whereas if they really listed what they did at their job, it would look more like this:

• Clock in
• Screen phone calls
• Play Yahoo games
• Get coffee for a pick-me-up
• Minimize my internet windows when the boss comes around
• Take a lot of smoke breaks
• Bullshit with co-workers to make the time pass
• Watch the clock
• Check my Facebook news feed
• Wish I had a different job
• Look for a different job online
• Procrastinate on projects
• Take a pen and paper to meetings to look interested
• Go get coffee again in the afternoon with the treat receipt
• Delete my internet history
• Clock out

And to think people who review resumes for a living wonder why it is so hard for job applicants to make one. Because unless you have a job description to copy and paste, you’ve got to remember what it is you’re be paid to do. If work was mostly blue collar before, and we’ve “evolved” now to white collar, I shudder to think of what the next collar will be.