Facebook "friends"

I got on Facebook to see the latest boring “news” with people I once knew, a couple of whom I called friends. Someone ate chili tonight, someone else isn’t feeling good, someone is following DMB all over the world, someone’s cat died, someone lost a bet, someone hates their job. Twelve other people are bitching, and the rest of them are drunk. It was too much for me.

One by one, I deleted the people who annoyed me. I deleted the girl I babysat fifteen years ago who incessently uses the letter “U” (“luv u gurls, had so muuuuch fuun tonight!”) I deleted the guy with the bad breath and bug eyes in high school who always stared at my tits. I deleted the ex co-worker who posts fucking positive thinking quotes every day. I deleted everyone who watches foreign movies. I deleted the girl who keeps “falling in love” with guys she meets on the internet who live in the Middle East and break up with her the following week. I deleted the Bible verse posters and the only-song-lyrics posters and the whiny posters.

Once I finished that, I deleted the people who are trying to get something out of me. I deleted the girl who always needs affirmation that she’s not fat. I deleted the person who stares me down until I fake laugh at his lame joke. I deleted the people who invite me to obligation parties. I deleted the people who try to convert me to their preferences: religious, political, or any other opinions which they believe they are right about. I deleted party crashers who don’t bring their own booze. I deleted anyone who has ever asked me for money, whether it be outright or disguised under “a good cause.” Yes, girl scout cookies and walks for the cure included.

Once I finished with that, I deleted the people who I hate. I deleted the ugly bitch who still has a problem with me because once upon a time I dated her current boyfriend. I deleted the ex-girlfriends of all my family members because fuck them; my family is better than you anyway. I deleted that annoying girl from all my college literature classes who asked questions at the end and made the class run long. I deleted the losers I worked with once upon a time but would never be friends with because they are two-faced kiss asses. I deleted the losers I once dated, but in my defense it’s only because they had weed.

Then I deleted my family members who I wouldn’t talk to if they weren’t in my family. I deleted anyone on my friends list out of obligation. I deleted my old piano teacher and all the other old people on Facebook that added me just because they want their friends number to hit 25. I deleted anyone who I have never been in a picture with. I deleted anyone whose house I have never been to. I deleted anyone who didn’t invite me to their wedding. I deleted anyone I didn’t invite to my wedding. I deleted anyone who hasn’t heard me sing aloud.

I smiled at the opposite of obligation. I don’t know what it is called to no longer feel like you have to give a shit about someone you don’t give a shit about, but it’s a glorious feeling; let’s call it “euphoria.” I cut those fucking clanging cans off the back of the honeymoon car; I hate that noise. And only then, when I chopped 386 people off of my friends list, buried beneath a sea of people I don’t care about, did I find my friends.