I need encouragement. I’m taking a stab at writing a book, after talking about it for years and years. Read a page and give me some feedback. Any feedback. I have to start somewhere.
I lifted my downcast eyes and snuck a look at my husband, soon to be ex-husband. He was watching our two lawyers discuss splitting assets with interest. He was dressed in a gray blazer, he sat erect; his eyes danced with amusement.
He looked more alive and vibrant. I wondered if he had a new girl; if this new energy was the result of a new fling. Or, was it that at last being himself, rather than my husband and all that entailed, was responsible for this change in him? Perhaps being through with my endless requests for more affection had freed him.
I tried to imagine his day-to-day, but could picture nothing past his commute. I knew nothing of him anymore. He hadn’t stooped to my level of having juicy date gossip filter through our mutual friends, hoping it would end up in a conversation he was included in.
All of a sudden, I felt as if I was the one being divorced, rather than the initiator. To realize he didn’t need me after all those “I can’t live without you”s caught in my throat and I instinctively reached for the pitcher of water. The clinking of the glass caught Aaron’s attention and he looked at me.
I held his gaze, and he smiled at me. Not a smirk or a sympathy smile, but that grin that would erase everyone else in a room full of people. I gulped down my loneliness, reminding myself to contemplate it later.