Every morning, Steve and I eat breakfast together: we each have one egg over easy, and a mug of coffee. On the weekends, we make a big breakfast: our favorite is breakfast burritos. Breakfast burritos involve eggs, sausage, bacon, cheddar cheese, tater tots, and tortillas. We fucking love eggs. We eat as many eggs as Gaston.
Since my last check-up was five years ago (well, really since I needed something prescribed to me for my hyperhidrosis), I visited a doctor. All I was interested in was getting that signed paper from him, but he made me get needle-poked (I added “needle” so it didn’t sound so dirty, but now it sounds worse) and give urine and all sorts of other intrusive tasks I wasn’t in the mood for. All that to tell me I am healthy. But my cholesterol is a bit high.
Guess what has 65% of your daily cholesterol? One measly egg yolk. What the fuck am I supposed to eat now? And don’t tell me oatmeal – that mushy shit looks like what they put in pig troughs. Don’t tell me grape nuts, either: I’m not 85. No, I would never spend the two hours it requires to peel an orange. In fact, don’t tell me to eat any breakfast food that isn’t eggs, because it’s only eggs I’m interested in. If only Gaston weren’t a cartoon – I’m sure he’d know what to do.