Chasing success

I’m 30 years old. 30 fucking years old. And I still have no idea what I’m doing. How long does it take to figure life out? A lifetime? It seems that once people get everything sorted out, their best years are behind them. But maybe that’s the beauty of life – an endless cycle of trial and error.

I think about these things a lot. I doubt most people think about it as often as I do. I am always reflecting on what I do and who I am and who I should be. I reflect on what I don’t like and what I do like and why it seems I do more of the former than the latter.

Maybe life is never completely perfect but it’s the pursuit of happiness that fulfills us. Aren’t we always discontent? Always thinking, if only _________, then I’d be happy. I am a mostly fulfilled person. I am fulfilled with my son and my husband. I love this house we live in. I am generally a rather content person. But isn’t it like us to find the one thing we aren’t content with and let it consume us? To let that hold more weight than all the many things we are content with?

Perhaps it’s a matter of evolution. Strong people are always evolving into better and stronger people. Weak people have no drive to become any different than they currently are. I have no absence of drive. I am very driven and motivated. Maybe that’s why when there is something I’m unhappy with, I think about it. I think about how I can change it. And if my solution doesn’t work, I change my tactics.

That has worked for me, mostly. I am successful by other people’s standards. But what I really want is to be successful by my own standards. And my standards differ from other people’s. I asked my interviewee today what success meant to her. And she said it meant enjoying what you do; every day waking up and being excited about what is in store for you. I really liked that. Success to me isn’t a job title or a salary or a Range Rover. Success isn’t a bank account balance or a mansion or an ivy league education. Success is enjoying life to your fullest capacity. And that means something else to everyone.

So yeah, maybe I am 30 fucking years old and still trying to figure it out. But maybe I’m not the only one. Maybe we all in some way are always chasing an elusive vision of what our life could be. And if there is a way to get there, that’s got to be it.