During my 30-minute pilates video, my mind has plenty of time to wander between doing “the hundred” and “the frog.” As a result, I have created lives for these pilates characters as if I knew them. Ellen, who is the main instructor, was competing for her leading role against the hotter girl with the braids and the pink sports bra. I know this because Braids is always giving her the stink eye throughout the tape. What a sore loser, I think aloud.
There are a couple characters who are completely unremarkable, and I have no idea how they were cast into a video. Perhaps Crunch fitness just went and picked some people out of a gym instead of having a casting. There is a girl wearing too much green who is slightly heavy. She seems to be thinking “I think I can, I think I can,” on every move, yet it all looks to be much too hard for her. I imagine her love life to be non-existent. After pilates class, she drives through Wendy’s and gets a frosty, then goes home and gets online to check if anyone has commented on any of her myspace pictures.
There is the poster child of a soccer mom: not a stylish one, but a woman with frizzy hair and Fred Meyer clothes. The woman who does modified (easy) exercises is Plain Jane in every sense of the word. There are no surprises in her life, other than the fact that she decided to put on these spandex pants that seem much too immodest for a woman who exercises while wearing barrettes. There’s a young, artsy type gal, too.
The character who really intrigues me is the only guy in the mix. At first, I assumed he was gay, probably because anytime I see a ratio of more than 3-1 women/guys, I assume the guy present is gay. This usually occurs at scrapbooking stores, the theater showing of “Sex & the City,” or Jenny Craig. Since I do this tape often, I have had time to rethink my hasty judgment. No, he couldn’t be gay; no proud gay man would choose yellow mesh shorts when he knew he was filming an exercise video that day. Then, perhaps he’s just an extremely smart straight man who’s looking for the right woman. Of course he would want to come to a place where he has no competition and can take his pick of the litter. And the next time I did pilates: but then, there is the tight black wife-beater that he wears. As of yet, I’m still undecided on the matter— but perhaps it’s for the best that I will never know for sure; I am a firm believer that you need to make your workouts interesting.