1. Must toothpaste commercials always star models with cosmetically bleached teeth? It’s all so unrealistic. People who eat organic and get nine hours of sleep a night and don’t indulge in any body-harming activities don’t even need toothpaste. They could wake up and chew on a mint leaf and are good to go. If Colgate really wants to sell some tubes, what they ought to do is show a bachelor party where guys are drinking, smoking, and rubbing their faces in sweaty tits all night long. The next morning, they wake up with what feels like fuzzy slippers when running the tongue along the front of the teeth. After brushing, Colgate substitutes in the model’s teeth as a double. Instead of boasting about cavity protection and strengthening enamel (which none of us really believe or give a shit about), perhaps they should boast finding the answer to nicotine stains.
2. I’m flabbergasted that Kinko’s (a) exists, and (b) has thousands of locations. If you think about it, all it really offers is copying and faxing. Am I missing something? Why are we paying for these services? Don’t you know you can do that from work for free? Shove it in a manila folder and it looks work-related. It’s a victimless crime, a penny here, a nickle there from a giant corporation who pays their executives in a year what the rest of us make in a lifetime. You think you’re ethical for not printing your novel at work? Get off your high horse and feel the rush Wynona Rider gets all while you’re clocked in.
3. I’ve been listening to the radio lately, and I am not impressed with the newest hits. They are very similar to the songs I used to be forced to listen to when babysitting with Barney and Friends playing in the background. Any song with counting as lyrics is not music, that’s a rip off of the nursery rhyme, “Buckle my shoe.” Also, we should not include colors and shapes in our songs, it makes my car feel like a preschool. I thought we were supposed to be evolving and improving, but this could just be proof that we’re getting stupider. Thousands of people actually buy this shit? Please. Although then again, we get excited now about ugly people who can sing (Susan Boyle) as if it’s some sort of freak accident. Is this the beginning of humankind degressing?