a tangent

Today I was eating lunch, listening to Pandora when this song came on:

Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I’ve got something to say
I’m not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you’ve changed

Tell me did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you seen, that wasn’t me
That wasn’t me, that wasn’t me

When you’re lost you will toss every lucky coin you’ll ever trust
And you’ll hide from your god like he ever turns his back on us
And you’ll fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you’ll learn who you are even if it doesn’t take your life

Tell me did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you seen, that wasn’t me
That wasn’t me, that wasn’t me

But I want you to know that you’ll never be alone
I wanna believe do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that’s what you see, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me
 ~”That Wasn’t Me” by Brandi Carlile

I sat there at our kitchen table, tears streaming down my cheeks. And Holden came up with the most concerned look in his eyes and gave me a kiss. And my mom emailed me after reading yesterday’s blog and said, “Count your blessings, not your mistakes. You are loved by all of your family, count that as a huge blessing!”

Thank you to everyone who loves me even when I go on a tangent. And for lifting me up when I’m in the depths of great despair. For family and my husband, who are the best examples of unconditional love.

I thought about something I wrote the day after my college pregnancy became public knowledge:

I know if I made 
it through yesterday
I can make it through today. 
And although life doesn’t get easier; 
I learn to adapt.  
~1.19.2005

And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that that is true.