this damn elephant

I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs
~”The Great Beyond” by R.E.M.

Steve was playing this song in the car the other day and I just sat there, listening to the lyrics, swallowing a lump in my throat. Because that is how I feel – I am pushing an elephant. I am the pusher and the elephant is my baggage and it seems like there is no top of the stairs. I am constantly overwhelmed and under-equipped. Am I pushing the elephant up, or is it pushing me back down, really?

Just when I think I’m making progress, I take a step back. How do people live with shame and guilt? Is there any recovery from bad choices? Or does abnormality become the new normal?

I remember being a freshman in college, before bad choices had been made. I remember bragging that I rarely cried. Now if only I could make it through a week without crying. Or hell, even a day. This damn elephant of mine.