finding comfort

It's been fourteen years since I pushed a baby out of body, swearing like a sailor. Fourteen years since I swallowed that fistful of tears and said yes, she is yours. Ten days after she was born, I loaded down my plastic Saturn and hit I-90, never to return home. At the beginning, there was... Continue Reading →

treading water

It is the week of Mother's Day and you know what that means:liquor store runs piecing together puzzles at my dining room table to keep my hands busymaking plans with people, even though I'm an introvert and the noise of crowds and the pressure of conversation aggravates me because I'm afraid to be alone, afraid to curl... Continue Reading →

distance

One day, I hope to write a memoir about being a birth mother. One day, when I have enough narrative distance and perspective, if that day ever comes for me. In the mean time though, I blog occasionally about it, when I can find a way to shape words into something like what I feel.I... Continue Reading →

a decade later

I am totally obsessed with Maya Angelou right now, and perhaps it is not coincidence that I started reading Letter to My Daughter on today of all days, Gracie's tenth birthday.I learned to love my son without wanting to possess him, Maya writes about the child she raised (she has no biological daughter). It made... Continue Reading →

three days later

I know I just blogged about Gracie. But bear with me. I had more emotions to sort through and air out and writing is the best way I know how.  Although I get letters and pictures, and although she sent me a package and talked to me on the phone, nothing compares with seeing her... Continue Reading →

full morning

Gracie and her family are road tripping and happen to be in Nebraska, so we met up this morning.  Before we left the house, Brandon said, "let's go to the park to see my half-sister." And we did.Brandon loved Gracie. He followed her around, talking endlessly. He talked about Wild Kratts (he likes Chris, she... Continue Reading →

*possibly one girl

The talk of having another child pretty much dissipated around here. That is, until Holden started walking, and running and being an all out boy, rather than a baby. Don't get me wrong - I don't love babies. I mean, I love my own babies, but only because I know they will outgrow babyhood and... Continue Reading →

it reverberates

I got a present from my daughter in the mail today. It was perfectly thoughtful: full of things I like - a book and a blank journal, homemade bookmarks and waterproof bracelets. And a very sweet handwritten note. I sank to the floor and wept - there is this constant ache because of Gracie's adoption.... Continue Reading →

To my daughter’s parents

I can't imagine how it feels to place your child up for adoption and not know who her parents will be. I can't imagine worrying if she's being cared for properly or if she will be raised with strong morals. I can't imagine the paranoia and worry that must come from the scary unknown. Because... Continue Reading →

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