*possibly one girl

The talk of having another child pretty much dissipated around here. That is, until Holden started walking, and running and being an all out boy, rather than a baby. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t love babies. I mean, I love my own babies, but only because I know they will outgrow babyhood and turn into toddlers, then kids, then adolescents, then adults. Babies themselves are only great in the fact that they can’t talk back and because they fit into the crook of your arm. I don’t miss bottles or unpredictable sleeping patterns, and I certainly don’t miss pregnancy or labor.

But Holden outgrowing all of that makes our family feel so permanent as it is. Two boys has always been what Steve and I said we wanted, but with an asterisk: *possibly one girl. I am trying to find peace in one of the two options we have from here.

Option 1: No more babies. Family stays as is. No girl. 
Pros: No more pregnancy, labor, losing baby weight. No more late night feedings, buying new clothes, holding onto all this baby crap we already have. This will mean all the sooner we can start going out to eat again, going on family vacations, having more disposable income. No minivan. No paying for her wedding. No periods, pregnancy scares, boyfriends to chase off. No Sophia the First or Junie B. Jones. Boys share a room. I remain the queen of this castle.

Cons:
No periods, pregnancy scares, boyfriends to chase off. No Sophia the First or Junie B. Jones. Boys share a room.The more I think of all the things I’m missing by not having a girl, the more I think I miss those things (which I’ve never had to begin with). I mean, c’mon, which of these boys is going to drink too much wine with me and thank me for being such a good mom after becoming a parent? (OK, Brandon).

Option 2: Try for one more baby. We get what we get*
*possibly one girl
Pros: It will be hella cute, of course, boy or girl; we make some pretty beautiful children. Holden could be a big brother too. I’ve already got names picked out. New adventures!
*If a girl: Steve could walk her down the aisle one day and I could get some gaudy mother-of-the-bride dress. I could pass this recipe book I’m making down to her, and possibly some other heirlooms she won’t want. The boys will better understand female hormones and not just think their mother is bat shit crazy. Maybe she would fill this hole for me, at least a little.   

Cons: (Obviously see pros to “no more babies”). I am overwhelmed often already with just the two (sidebar conversation would have to occur re: Am I strong enough?). Really? And just when I was starting to get a tad more free time. I’m no spring chicken.
*If a girl: She would either borrow my clothes or crucify them. Uncharted territory – would we be able to instill in her enough self-worth and confidence to gracefully leap all that petty and jealous bullshit an adolescent girl goes through? Would she be secure enough to be disliked when it meant doing what was right? It sure seems like girls have to be a lot stronger psychologically than boys.
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As it stands now, neither one feels right: expanding our family, or saying no to the possibility. So here I remain, in Future Child Limbo, until either we decide, or time itself tells us we no longer have a choice. And then sometimes I forget about pros and cons and wonder if I missing something I actually want or if I’m missing something I’ve already lost.