My epiphanies of the week:
1. Who do stores think they’re fooling with inaccurate sizes? GAP’s size medium is more like an XXL. I know why they do it: to get the plus-sized shoppers to spend hundreds of dollars at the magical store that categorizes them as a size 6. I get it, and it’s a brilliant marketing ploy, but it’s annoying to us who actually are a size medium. Now I have to try on everything in multiple sizes to find which one actually fits. All of a sudden I have one shirt in my closet in a size XS which is grossly outnumbered by all the mediums hanging around it. My friend is an actual size XS and everything at GAP now fits her like a tent. I guess GAP profits more in the end this way, because, at least where I live, there are plenty more large women than there are small ones.
2. Uggs are named that for a reason. When will they finally be officially out of style? When I was a kid we would have endlessly mocked someone who dared to wear Grandpa’s high-top slippers, but now, since they cost over $100 they’re vogue? Also, it seems every time I see someone wearing them it’s with shorts or a skirt. Now they’re not only as ugly as Perez Hilton, they’re also contradictory.
3. Facebook statuses are not meant to double as your therapist. People now abuse the public bulletin to fish for compliments. “I’m sad;” “Vanessa is feeling ugly;” or “Derek has no friends.” Instead of the standard sympathetic responses, I feel compelled to answer, “because you’re ugly;” “that’s because you are;” and “because you’re ugly.” Gripe to your diary, not to your 180 “friends” who have their own problems and frankly, don’t give a shit.
4. Cheerleaders should be cute. If you’re overweight, plain, or just plain ugly, don’t bother trying out — that’s what softball is for. Nobody sits in the front four bleacher rows to see thunder thighs or muffin top. Also, those ribbons in your hair don’t look cute with a uni-brow. If you think making the squad is the only way you’ll become popular, you’re obviously not hot enough to be popular anyway.