posers, moochers, besties

The friendship that can cease has never been real
-Saint Jerome
(whoever the hell that is)

I have this theory about friends. In my head, I can hear people scoffing at my use of the word, so let me rephrase. (It is no secret that I am friendless). I will use the term “friends” loosely in this post to mean “people I would go out of my way to say ‘hello’ to.” Anyway, my theory is this:

We are friends with people who somehow benefit us. Once they are no longer of use, voicemails go unreturned. For example, there is this girl who I go out of my way to say hello to only because she laughs at my jokes. I’d like to think she genuinely thinks I’m funny, but I’m a little smarter than to believe that. Even if she is just laughing to please me and get me to leave her alone, it works. I get my ego boost for the day and leave her alone.

When I was in high school, a jock pretended to be my friend in Algebra class only so he could cheat off my tests and believe I condoned it. I didn’t. I wrote all the wrong answers, watched him turn in his version, than erased the wrongs and replaced them with correct ones. But I was no better: I also pretended to be friends with people to gain something for myself — mostly loose change to buy Snickers and chocolate muffins, but that did vary a little into other food groups.

People pretend to be friends with you only to avoid being your enemy, or to sponge gossip from you, or to use your connections for a better job. People are friends with you for your season tickets or your killer parties. But where does everyone go once the party ends? They crawl back to their hovels, one at a time, until you’re the only one left cleaning the glasses and wiping booze off of the new coffee table.

If you have a friend who is selfless — who listens to you and lets you finish your sentence before they pipe in; who helps you move even when you don’t offer a BBQ in return; or who goes to the funeral of one of your family members — hang on to that person. Because people like them are hard to come by, but the selfish, thoughtless moochers are a dime a dozen.

One thought on “posers, moochers, besties

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  1. i hate to tell you what song is running through my head right my now…

    friends, michael w smith.

    “And friends are friends forever
    If the lords the lord of them
    And a friend will not say never
    cause the welcome will not end
    Though its hard to let you go
    In the fathers hands we know
    That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.”


    are we on for friday night? finnigans?

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