Being a birth mother is not easy. It is emotionally exhausting enough on its own already. Every day you think about it and try to push it away. But always, it’s there. It’s a part of you that never remains in the past as some other things do. Then you throw a couple people who sling hateful comments at you into the mix and it becomes even more draining. Last night was my second instance of some drunk girl saying, “why don’t you go give another baby away?” I lost it. Steve had to escort me to the car to prevent me from going to jail for assault.
When I was pregnant, the adoption agency I went through had me fill out a booklet that went through my decision making process. I found it the other day and I had answered this question: Are you thinking of making that decision based on other people’s feelings? with: I want to make the decision based on what I think is best for me and my baby, but it’s hard when I’m surrounded by people who don’t support my decision and think I’m selfish. The woman who works at the agency wrote back, “I just can’t understand that line of thinking!”
Neither can I. But it’s out there. It’s out there representing itself in cold stares and whispers and a few people that say exactly what they feel about it to my face. It’s out there beating me down and making me feel worthless over and over again. I know I did the right thing, but it’s hard to know something is right when so many people think it is wrong. I guess what’s right is all relative. So you might say it was wrong when I hurled my glass at this hateful drunk girl, but I say it’s all relative.