my new car smells

It finally happened.

I got a new car.

After seven years of driving a salvaged car without air conditioning, you would think I would be ecstatic the day I traded the bucket of bolts in for a newer model.

But I wasn’t.

I cried.

I fucking cried! Full out red eyes, red nose, sniffles.

The salesman came back from negotiating with the broker and saw me crying. He asked what was wrong while I sniffled into a kleenex. Steve said, “she’s very attached to her car.”

I thought about all the hours I worked and all the money I saved to buy it. I thought about how I’ve had that car longer than I’ve been married. That car knew me when I was in college, when I was pregnant, it moved halfway across the country with me. I think it even knew me when I was still a virgin.

I took it to the mechanic and fixed up what I could and it was faithful to me. I always thought I would drive her until she sputtered to a stop for good. But we didn’t even make it to the end together. I felt like I was betraying an old friend. No amount of money they offered me for a trade in would accurately portray that car’s value.

I told Steve I wanted to not trade it in, but sell it myself so I can meet the new owner. I told him it was as special to me as a pet and I didn’t want her sitting in an impersonal lot, getting sunburned and mocked, parked amongst the new models. But after a few more kleenex, I swallowed that lump in my throat and signed the papers.

But the lump resurfaced.

Even now, I feel guilty, having a new car when nothing not everything was wrong with my old one.

People say I deserve a new car. But sometimes you don’t deserve what you get.

Sometimes contentment is more valuable than determination.

4 thoughts on “my new car smells

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  1. Sometimes it is very hard to let go but we must. Nothing lasts forever but memories. Even though your car is not with you anymore, at least she left you with good memories to cherish. And now, start to create new great memories with your new one. It would be unfair if you keep missing the old one. So, try to move on and just enjoy every blessing that comes along the way. =)

  2. Oh, you really loved your old car. We also feel sad with what happened. You sold your car, and its future is uncertain in the hands of a new owner. Don't be guilty my dear. Things come and go, and that happens in a lifetime. Keep smiling. 🙂

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