this fucking crazy cleanse

Before agreeing to the marathon, I agreed to a cleanse. This was long ago, when January seemed sooo far away. But here we are now, the night before it begins. This is a vegan cleanse which means none of “the big six”:

1. Alcohol
2. Caffeine
3. Sugar
4. Gluten
5. Dairy
6. Meat

Hello, have you met me? All I eat is sugar and caffeine with some dairy and gluten thrown in for good measure. Oh, and eggs. I eat a shit ton of eggs. In fact, I was just about to google “I love eggs t-shirt.” (Update: I just did. I must get one. Awesome).

I have never restricted my diet much, but even so, I think of myself as healthy. Or healthyish. The only ways I’m healthy is I never drink pop and rarely eat fast food, but I guess even with only those restrictions, I’m healthier than most people, sadly. So these restrictions will be hard. Oh, so hard. But hopefully, at the end of these three weeks, I will have broken some bad habits and gained some good ones. Hopefully I will eat to nourish my body, not because it’s a chocolate cupcake.

I plan to log my journey here – the cravings, the mood swings, the withdrawal symptoms, the but-what-the-hell-can-we-eat question. Oh yeah – we. I forgot to mention Steve has agreed to do it with me. My supportive husband has agreed to this fucking crazy cleanse. Thank god. Someone to hold me accountable and to shame me into sticking it out is exactly what I need.

Of course there’s not much to report yet because it hasn’t started but here are some observations so far:

1. There is a little circle with GF on the packaging of gluten-free foods. Who knew? Clearly I’ve never cared about gluten before. But all of a sudden that circle is like a golden “yes you can!” label that makes my heart soar just a bit. Finally, an answer to the question: what-the-hell-can-we-eat!

2. I know I’m not the first person to observe that eating healthier is expensive. Fuck yeah, it’s expensive! On Friday I spent $100 at Target buying produce and beans and frozen fruit for juicing. Then today I spent $77 at HyVee buying lettuce and GF bread and popcorn and chips. And neither of those trips were our “main weekly shopping trip.” And only some of that stuff I bought was pre-cleanse binge foods and drinks. I think less than 50%, even.