grieving

Cleanse day one: 

It started off OK enough. I had oatmeal with berries for breakfast and then made a smoothie to power up before my run. I ran, then showered. And I was all gung-ho ready to go, full of positive energy. After lunch, I started cleaning. And then, this afternoon, it hit me. One minute, I was vacuuming the boys’ rooms, the next, I was lying on Brandon’s bed, telling the kids to keep the noise down.

It’s the caffeine withdrawal. Some of you have been reading me for years and remember when I tried to give up caffeine before (many times, but who’s keeping count?)  It never sticks. Caffeine is my drug. And now, I work at a coffee shop, for god’s sake. I can have my caffeine anyway I choose to make it. It had been about 25 hours since my last drink of caffeine when the headache began. And man is it a doozy. It’s gotten to that point bad headaches do where I feel like I’m about to puke.

I texted Steve about how awful I’m feeling and he told me just to have a coffee. So I brewed a tiny cup of coffee, but I haven’t drank it yet. It is sitting there in the brew pot, taunting me. Do I cave just on the caffeine real quick – get a quick nip so I can wean off gradually rather than cold turkey? Or do I power through? I mean, the coffee won’t be that good, since obviously I can’t add cream. And maybe it will actually make me puke since I’m feeling pretty nauseous right now.

Oh – and chocolate. I usually snack on chocolate in the afternoons. I haven’t, and I’d like to. Seriously, even looking at the food emojis on my phone made me hungry. But not for lentil beans or brown rice or produce, obvs. So I guess hungry isn’t the word. “Lustful,” maybe. If I go to bed right now, I will have made it through the first day of the cleanse. But of course, I can’t do that. I have to power through. The good comes after the bad. Dear god, let’s hope there’s some good coming.