epiphanies #2

1. That Cash-4-Gold commercial is ridiculous. Who is actually going to put their genuine gold into a little sack and mail it, hoping to get an indefinite amount of money back? Now that they have your gold, they can send you a check for any amount they would like. What are you going to do about it? If you’re ever that strapped for cash, it’s called a pawn shop. The only time I endorse sending pure gold through the mail hoping for a check in return is if it’s something too embarrassing to pawn. Like a tooth.

2. If you can never find your car in the parking lot, that doesn’t mean you should go out and buy a new one in an extremely ugly color. I’ve seen a few of these burnt orange and energy drink greens driving around, and I know there is no way the owner actually wanted to spend $30K and end up with that. Buy a keychain with a button you can press to hear your horn honk and see your lights flash, but don’t make the rest of us suffer looking at your car blinding us in five o’clock traffic.

3. Why do Jeep’s extra tire covers always have a smiley face on them? Driving a Jeep does not equal rainbows and sunshine. Bumping along a newly paved road, cold drafts in the freezing (and warm) weather — if I drove a Jeep, my tire cover would be the frowning face of Osama Bin Laden.

4. Is there a single dog breed we haven’t thought of yet? Just because two different dogs exist doesn’t mean we have to see what their puppies would look like. I’m not sure how you would even mate and Irish Setter with a wiener dog. A good rule of thumb is: if it requires stools and harness-type contractions, it’s not natural. Left to their own reproducing, dogs will inevitably produce all sorts of future mangy strays: we needn’t help them.

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