It is much different having a baby when you already have one at home. I have been crying a lot about how I think Brandon feels. On Monday, while I was changing into my hospital gown, I started balling about being away from Brandon. Monday was the only day I have ever spent without seeing him. Steve had to tell me it would be OK and dry my tears. I’m sure the nurse thought I was a freak, me with my tear-stained cheeks and puffy eyes before my baby was born.
I had Steve bring Brandon by the hospital every day after Monday. Brandon didn’t like seeing me in the hospital bed, so on Wednesday I got up and ate with him at the table. Brandon has been a bit possessive of his things – when we wrapped Holden in one of Brandon’s blankets, Brandon took it away and said it is his. He wants his mama to be the one who changes him. He cries and says “no” and is moodier than usual. He feels like he lost his place here.
Since I had a C-section, I’m not supposed to lift anything heavier than Holden, so I can’t hold Brandon like I used to. It makes him sad and yesterday he tried to climb up me. I used to rock him to bed each night, but I can’t lift him into his crib after he falls asleep anymore. It is hard to say “goodbye” to our first one being our baby and force him into this boyhood he isn’t fully ready for. I know he needs to grow up and he will never remember not being a big brother, but the here and now hurts.