pieces of me

Anyone who has known me the last seven years might have worried about my emotional state after having a baby; worried that I would be plagued with post-partum depression. I myself worried that. I compiled a list of books to get if that were to happen. I mentally prepared myself for baby blues. For the last seven years, I have been overly emotional – depressed at times, with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness that washes over me unexpectedly, even though I have a loving husband who should make me feel anything but lonely.

There is a piece of me that I lost after Gracie was born. That critical piece being gone has turned me fragile. Before I thought I could handle everything. Now I realize that I can’t. And when I can’t, I become depressed, lonely. A lump forms in my throat and I sink into solitude, whether or not people surround me. So you can imagine why I prepared for depression. Becoming a mother for the first time might be one of those situations I can not handle.

And although I don’t deny parts have been difficult and that I have learned a hell of a lot, many things the hard way in these last ten weeks, I am pleased to report that depression has not reared its ugly head. In fact, I’m happier now than I have ever been. I do cry sometimes, but it’s because I feel so lucky. A tear rolls down my cheek when I stare at Brandon’s sweet face for too long. I didn’t know I could love someone I’ve only known for ten weeks this much. Although the piece is still missing, I’ve got a new piece added to me as well. And although the new will never replace the old, at least I feel complete again.